I'm dying to tell you anything you want to hear, 'cause that's just who I am this week.

I read a lot of blogs. So when I decided to start my own, I had done my research. There was just one aspect I couldn't decide on, and that was whether to have an introductory post to start off or to just jump in and pretend like we've known each other for ten years. Being me, I just jumped in. And I don't regret that, I love skipping the awkward bits. However, I've come to my second post and I realized that there was a "getting to know me" post that was REQUIRED. That if I didn't post on this topic, you would never understand another word I typed. We would be forever seperated by a chasm of misunderstanding. This subject is so important, so vital to me that I can't ignore it. And that subject is: Gold Stars.

So, I have this list. It's a list of things that real grown ups do. Things that most normal, healthy adults have done by the time they're 25 or so. Things that I have never done, and that scare me to try. Things like: calling to make a dentist appointment, keeping their apartment clean enough that their allergies don't act up like a mofo everyday, owning property, driving to strange cities on their own, living by themselves, keeping houseplants alive for more than a month, paying their bills on time, going to parties on their own, eating nutritous meals that don't involve ice cream OR cookie dough, or taking classes on subjects that interest them (workshops, seminars, etc.) I call this my Grown Up Gold Star chart. There are two columns on it: Me and Everybody Else. Everybody else automatically has all the gold stars.  When I do something on the chart, I get a gold star. It's not a complicated system.

When I moved back into my parents' house after the breakup all the slots were empty. I had never had to, or even been able to do any of the things on the chart. Something as simple as calling to make an appointment gave me a panic attack. Hell, calling my own mother up just to chat made me hyperventilate. The thought of driving to Toronto dropped me to the ground. The fact that I wasn't a fully functioning person wasn't something that had ever bothered me before. And then the breakup happened. And I was told that the anxiety and social phobia had contributed to him wanting to leave. I was so broken up about the whole situation that it didn't register at first, but once I'd gotten a little perspective on the whole situation, I realized how stupid it was to be so afraid of something that ultimately can't hurt you. (Unless you're calling the dentist while driving to the strange city alone, that shit can kill you.) So I started setting goals for myself, something I've never been especially good at. (Not even back in grade three when they make you fill out questionnaires about what you want to be when you grow up. Most kids said, "astronaut" or "doctor". I was like, "I don't know, ninja?") My first goal was to move out of my parents' house. To me, that seemed like the perfect way to prove to myself that I was a grown up. I was going to find an apartment and move out! By my birthday! Yes! That gave me just about four months to do it. Now, I'd set easier goals with longer timelines in my life and not been able to accomplish them. I didn't actually have a lot of hope for myself and my ability to do this. Especially when I saw the rental prices out there. It is entirely cost prohibitive to live on your own these days.

But I found a place, only slightly out of my price range, that almost immediately felt like home to me. I fell in love with this small space as soon as I saw it, and so even though I went and looked at other apartments, I knew I'd wind up here. So, I came back and signed papers the week before my birthday. I didn't move in until the weekend after, but the space was mine before my birthday. Looking back on it, I'm about 99% sure that finding an apartment was the first goal I'd ever set for myself and achieved. Unprecedented. But I did it. If I can do that, I can do anything.

So I went to a party on my own and made new friends. And I drove to Toronto to attend a workshop on a topic that interested me (I got two stars for that night) and was only a little awkward (okay, I was super awkward, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? WHAT?). I let my OCD side out and clean my apartment once a week, and have been rewarded with a safe haven from my allergies. I do my laundry and go to the gym and pay my bills. My chart is filling up with stars. And everyday my panic gets less and less. It's still there, probably won't ever go away completely, but it gets less and less. And I breath more and more. And have more of myself to give to others, to try new things, to find new things to add to the chart that I can achieve and fill the slots up with stars.

I still haven't made a dentist appointment though.