I had a dream last night. In the dream, I was in a car accident. I wake up in the hospital and the doctors tell me that while they were taking scans of my brain they found a tumour. I freak out and the doctors assure me that it's operable but I'll have to go through a couple weeks of chemo before they operate to remove it. I spend the rest of the dream sick and wasting away because I won't eat, even when I'm hungry, and trying not to let people know I'm sick. I desperately want the people I love to sit by my bedside and hold my hand and tell me that they love me but I don't tell anybody I'm sick. At the end of the dream, I wake up from surgery and all the friends I've hidden my illness from are mad at me for hiding it. Happy I'm alive, but still crankipants that I put myself through that alone.
Now, you might be asking yourself, "Self, why is she talking about this awkward dream she had on a blog? A brand new blog especially?" Well, I'll tell you. The reason I'm bringing this up here and now is because it makes no sense at all, but it probably also says a lot about me. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. Almost everything about that dream goes against what I would actually do. I mean, I'd take it calmly at first and then a week into chemo when my hair starts falling out, THAT'S when I'd freak. I mean, I love my hair. I JUST got it the way I want it. And not tell anyone? Please. I'd post that shit on Facebook and Twitter (#canceromg!) and be sad when nobody commented on it. The only part of that dream that DOES make sense to me (other than the not eating thing, I've pulled that one before) is that if I hid something that big and important that everybody'd be pissed. I'd be pissed if I found out someone I loved was that sick and didn't mention it to me. And THAT'S why I'm blogging about it.
I know people often complain with something bad happens and they have to deal with the fallout. That's human nature and most of us are humans. But if it's hidden, doesn't that make you more upset than having to go to a hospital (which always freak me out, I don't know about you) and hold a sick person's hand? I mostly go through my life being insanely honest about everything and assuming that everyone else does the same thing. Clearly, I'm a crazy person because every few weeks I find out something new that was hidden and now isn't and it makes me an awkward llama. When I was a child I somehow got it in my head that I needed to know everything about everything. That quest for knowledge is what has driven me so far in my life. I mean, I'm a dillitante and have no specialty, which (I like to think) is a specialty all on it's own, but that's why they call me Nikipedia. (No, really, people call me that. I swear. I'm ridiculously pround of the moniker.) If I could just leave well enough alone I'd never learn the horrible things that happen when I'm not around, hear about the petty things people say. But then I'd feel helpless later. Impotent. I'd rather deal with the bad up front and have done with it. I'll take the ugly truth over the pretty lie any day. Even if that means sleepless nights and endless blogging.
All that being said, I'm not actually talking about anything specific here. The dream just got me thinking about the nature of trust and people's natural ability to put on a public face. And it also made me think about how naive I am, and about how I operate on full disclosure all the time (and how I should probably not eat dinner so late at night as it always causes strange dreams). Maybe I should hide a part of myself? Keep a bit back just for me that people can't pick apart and judge? Because people do. That's also human nature. And I won't judge them for it, glass houses and all. But for all my prolestizing about it, I don't want to. I just don't want to hide my feelings. If I'm happy to be included in something, I'm going to tell you. If I'm happy you're in my life I'm going to find a way to show you. If I'm angry because you were mean to me or any of mine, well you're going to hear that too. I'd rather live on full burn and feel the painful lows that can come from ostrasization or judging just so I can feel the amazing highs that come about after. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I won't willingly take off my shirt.
Of course, I also dreamed about zombies last night so who knows.
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