I wish I could tie you up in my shoes, make you feel unpretty too. I was told I was beautiful, what does that mean to you?

My weight has always yo-yo'd. I don't think I've ever stayed the same weight for more than three months at a time. Not since I got smucked by that car when I was nine. I've been a chubby chick since I got out of the hospital. Being in a hip cast and eating like you're going through a nine year old growth spurt and then not being able to run around for a year after that will do that to a kid. I have been anorexic. I have dieted. I have EVEN tried exercising. I eventually just came to terms with the fact that I'm a chubby chick. As it turns out, I've even come to like my body. Hips, and ass and tits. Allllll of it. I love myself as I am.

And that's the trap. I REALLY hate it when people tell kids to love themselves as they are. Now, I'm NOT talking about who they are inside. I think everybody should just own their emotions and quirks and anything else they have inside them and I ALSO think that other people should just be accepting of other people's whatevers, like they are of their own. I'm a big supporter of love in all it's forms. What I'm talking about is appearance. Kids should not love their appearance if they are fat. I heard "love yourself as you are" a LOT as a kid. And maybe some of them meant my insides, but more meant my outsides. Because, (and I can own this now like it was nothing, but I was emotionally scarred from this as a kid) I was not an attractive pre/teen, they must've thought I needed the encouragement. I guess. But that's a DANGEROUS mentality. DANGEROUS.

Two years ago, after spending most of my childhood and adolesence and even some of my early adulthood as a fatty, I found out that I have high cholesterol. That I have probably had high cholesterol for years and that the damage I have done to my arteries and heart have potentially shortened my lifespan considerably. That if I didn't change things right away, I would probably stroke out before I was 35. And since I was 25 at the time, that was kind of a scary thought.

So I started a heart healthy diet and exercising (even though I hate whole grains like I hate the sun). And it worked. My cholesterol is slowly going down. But the problem is that I look in the mirror and think to myself, "hey, you're looking pretty okay today. You don't have to go to the gym today, go tomorrow." And then tomorrow comes and I still don't go to the gym, 'cause I'm still okay with my hips and my tits and my ass. Sure, they could be smaller. But I like being a little squishy around the middle. Because I love myself as I am. My point is, the damage that mentality caused haunts me still. I struggle to find something to fix in my appearance so I can fix what's wrong with the bits inside because I love myself as I am.

I guess all I'm trying to say is, make sure you're healthy. Eat healthy, be active. Loving yourself is no good if you're dead.