What fills you with fire? Do you know what you want to be? ARE you what you wanted to be growing up? I was recently asked by a sucessful woman what my dream was, my goal. My vision. So I started to answer and had to stop. I kinda knew. I knew what I enjoyed doing. Knew what I was good at. But my vision? Shit. So I thought. I've thought more about what I wanted to be when I grew in the past month than in the past twenty years. And I figured out what my problem was.

So, when I was growing up, everybody asked me, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" And at a very early age, I decided that I wanted to be a teacher. I liked school, I liked all my teachers (can you say "teacher's pet"?), it seemed like the perfect match. And so that became the prefab answer for all those school surveys and questionnaires. I was going to be a teacher.

My family was very supportive. Many of my birthday and Christmas presents had a theme (I totally have a professional pointer if anybody needs it for a little role playing ;D). I took all the right classes in high school to set me up to take anything in university. I did all the work and got excellent grades. Got into Mac right on schedule. Honoured in English and got a minor in Earth Sciences. Went to the seminars for the different teachers' colleges and found out that I'd have to get 200 hours of teaching time before they'd accept me. (Which has to be the most insane prerequisite ever. You get to corrupt young minds for 200 hours before they teach you how to do it properly?) So I got in touch with my favourite teacher from high school and he let me come and teach his remedial class. And I learned what a teacher does.

And then I didn't want to teach anymore. I don't mind a little verbal abuse. In fact, in some situations, I kinda like it a lot. But I refuse to be called a cunt by anybody under the age of 19. I just down right refuse. And teachers have no power. I wasn't even allowed to make them stand in the corner because it might make them "feel bad". Whatever. Teachers are heroes and deserve all kinds of respect. Go hug a teacher. Right now. Thank them for the excellent job they do.

But that's not really what I wanted to tell you. I just told you that so I could tell you this.

The point of everything I've written here today is that, up until recently, I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life. I thought I wanted to write professionally. Make my living by the pen...or keyboard...whatever. But then I realized that I'm not really that creative. I don't have anything to say. So I started helping the writers I know fix the stuff they wanted to say. And as it turns out, I'm good at it.

I realize now that I was pushing myself on the whole teaching thing. I was never cut out to face a room full of people and tell them what's what. It's not that I can't do that, or that I have a fear of it. I just don't want to do it. And I want to do something that sets me on fire. Charges me up, makes me excited to get to work everyday. The job I have now is a job. I don't hate it. It's easy and gives me time to daydream and come up with interesting things to write about. But there's no fire. And if there's one thing I've come to crave out of every aspect of my life, it's fire!

Reading a piece that some talented, or not so talented, young author has written and finding ways to make it better is what I want to do. Finding a way to do it and make it pay is another matter. Everybody and their cleaning lady has an English degree, you can buy them off the internet. There are tests I can take to become accredited by the Editors' Association of Canada, but no courses to train for those tests. There is no degree or diploma I can get that will make me stand out. So for now, I have to build up a portfolio of the paid and volunteer work I do to show a prospective employer or until I have the experience to take the tests. So I will.

I finally found something that fills me with fire. I've found my dream. Now I've just got to chase it. Find your fire. Chase your dream.